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Collapsing

Collapsing

The sky looked like a fluent dream, pink and orange colours were mixed up in the soft clouds. This fowl was very mild and though the streets were scattered with leaves, the wind was only blowing soft and the smell of rain did not come yet.
A boy was loafing about the streets. His shoes made soft, stumbling noises on the ground.
His blond hair hang for his face as he strolled along, not noticing anything around him.
His brown eyes were filled with anger when he stepped aside to let a girl pass him.
He stopped walking when he passed a playground. There were still some little kids and toddlers playing in the sand. The mothers of the children looked surprised when the boy sat down on one of the swings. The hands of the blond guy were cold and he sniffed several times. A little boy came to him, he was holding a red ball and asked him with a big smile : ‘Onii san, do you want to play along?’ A watery smile brake trough the sad face of the blond older boy. ‘No, you play. I’ll enjoy myself here.’ The little boy smiled again.
‘Okay, but if you want you can still join whenever you like.’ The boy ran away to his other friends and left the blond boy behind. He sat there for 2 hours. Then it was starting to get dark outside and all the mothers took their children home. The little boy with the ball came to him again. His mother looked rather confused and nervous as she tried to let her child come with her. ‘Don’t you have to go home Onii san?’ the kid shouted, not noticing his mother wanted him to move. The blond boy opened his mouth to say something back, but the answer didn’t come. He sniffed again and stroke his hair. The mother of the kid looked worried to him, but he did not stare back. She was probably younger than him and it would be so shameless to talk to her in this situation.
Finally the kid and his mother left the playground. The wind started to blow heavier and the clouds had lost their dreamy colour.

‘Uruha?’ Suddenly the boy felt a warm tingling feeling trough his hand. Someone had taken his hand, which was as cold as ice now. Uruha turned around and saw a older guy with black hair standing behind him. ‘What are you doing here dumbass?! You’re as cold as a stone man!’ He grabbed Uruha by his arm and Uruha felt how his cold body shocked the black haired guy. ‘Hello Aoi.’ His voice was cracking and broken. He did not speak a word for 2 whole hours. ‘You’re insane’. Aoi looked worried to his friend. ‘Why are you sitting in a playground so long without any coat on? Do you wanna get a fever or something?’
Uruha pushed Aoi aside and walked away. ‘Don’t teach me Aoi.’ Aoi ran after him.
‘I’m not teaching you, I’m just worried you know. Don’t do such stupid things, okay?’
Uruha looked to his feat while walking. ‘Here, take my jacket.’ Aoi took his jacket off and handed it out to Uruha. ‘I don’t want your fucking jacket’, Uruha snapped and he started to walk faster. Aoi wasn’t used to Uruha talking like this. ‘What?! Act normal! You’re gonna be sick if you don’t wear a jacket right now!’ Uruha stopped walking and turned around to Aoi.
‘I SAID I DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING JACKET, OKAY?!’ Aoi stopped walking when Uruha suddenly bursted our in tears. ‘DON’T TOUCH ME!’ he yelled when Aoi came near.
Uruha turned around again and started running. He ran as fast as he could, he could barely see where he was heading to with all these tears coming up.
He stopped when he knew for sure he had left Aoi behind. He fell down on the street and rested a bit. He was out of breath and totally broken.

After a few minutes he started walking again and he reached his apartment. He threw the door open and fell down on his bed. The door closed with a loud BAM. Uruha didn’t care.
He couldn’t feel his feet and his hands anymore and he had a burning headache cause he lost so much fluid of all the crying.
He stood up and staggered to the bathroom. He took off his clothes and filled the bath with hot water. When he was waiting for the bath to be filled, he looked into the mirror. He had Goosebumps all over and his legs were skinny and not very muscled. With a sad face he stroke his stomach. He had too much fat around his belly, no one would like him this way.
He shivered and stepped into the hot water of the bath. His skin felt like it was set on fire, but he didn’t stand up. He sat in the water till his muscles were all warm again.
When he stepped out of the water and had changed into his shirt and boxers, the door rang.
He decided to ignore it. After a minute, the doorbell rang again. He tried to sleep but he couldn’t. At last, he stepped out of bed and opened the door. Aoi stepped in the room.
‘Uruha?’ He shut the door behind him and tried to look Uruha in the eyes but he looked away. ‘Are you alright?’ Everything Aoi was saying irritated Uruha terribly.
‘You’re not mad at me, are you?’ Uruha sniffed again and bit his lip. ‘Aoi, could you go away please?’ He walked to the window and looked outside, so he wouldn’t have to see Aoi’s face.
‘What wrong with you? Please Uruha..’ Uruha felt his eyes fill up with tears again. He bit his lip harder and shook his head. ‘Just…. Leave.’
Then he felt 2 warm arms around him. His heart started to burn. ‘I won’t leave you like this.’ Uruha felt his cheeks become red when he felt how Aoi’s arms were embracing him.
‘Fuck off!’ he pushed Aoi away and stamped his feet. ‘Walk to hell you bastard!’
Aoi stumbled backwards to the door, shocked. Uruha forced himself not to cry again.
‘I hate you, you’re an asshole!’ Aoi’s face was as white as a sheet but he was still standing in the room. ‘I don’t hate you Uruha’, he mumbled. ‘YOU LIAR!!!!’ Uruha screamed as loud as he could. He grabbed a glass and smashed it into pieces. Aoi opened the door and left the room quickly. Uruha stared to the broken glass. He felt sick. He walked to his bed and laid down. He took the blankets and put them over his head. He cried almost the whole night.
No one heard him. No one cared.

When Uruha woke up, he first didn’t remember what happened last night. Then he saw the glass pieces all over the floor and he remembered it all. He got out of bed and looked in the mirror. He looked awful. His face was grey and dirty, his hair was screwed up and his body was cold. He took extra blankets out of the wardrobe and laid down in bed again.
He didn’t eat, he didn’t go to the toilet. He just laid in his bed the whole day.
No one called where the heck he was. No one came by to check if he was okay.
Not one fucking person.

Uruha heard voices. They were softly whispering. He heard someone saying: ‘let’s just wake him up!’ and then an other voice whispered: ‘But we have to be careful.’
Uruha opened his eyes and he saw Ruki, Kai and Reita standing in the room.
‘Yo, I’m sure Aoi told you to do this. Well, I’m fine. Just leave me alone, kay?’
He wanted to lay down again but Reita grabbed his arm. ‘No, we’re not gonna let you be depressed all by yourself.’ Uruha wanted to protest but Ruki already grabbed his other arm.
‘What the heck?’ They lifted him up and carried him outside. Kai closed the door of Uruha’s apartment and opened the door of Ruki’s car. ‘Woow, you’re going to drive me somewhere?’
Reita smiled and pushed him into the car. ‘Yeah silly. I have to admit I was very shocked by everything Aoi told me, but we can’t leave you alone.’
Ruki started the car and they drove away. Uruha felt ashamed. He knew he had made a fuss about nothing, and now he could never face Aoi again. He stared to his lap.
Kai tapped his head. ‘Everything okay, Uru kun? We will help you, really.’

Uruha smiled a little bit to him. He couldn’t look his band members in the eyes anymore. He felt so stupid. After the car stopped Uruha recognised the buildings. ‘We’re at your apartment Kai!’ Kai nodded. ‘C’mon.’ Ruki wanted to carry Uruha again, but Uruha told him he was perfectly capable of doing that himself. They walked to Kai’s apartment and Uruha suddenly realized he was still wearing a t-shirt and a boxer. He didn’t wear any make up, his hear was greasy and he looked awfully tired. When Kai opened the door Uruha saw Aoi standing in the room.
Ruki pushed him inside and they all went after him. Kai closed the door and hurried to the kitchen to make coffee, very strong coffee, for them all. Reita pushed Uruha on the couch and he also sat down. Uruha started staring to his lap again.
‘So, we decided to take a bit of a break… and ehm.. do some fun things together’, Ruki said nervously. ‘We ehm, we are all staying with Kai and tomorrow we can go to the movies all together.’ Uruha simply nodded and Ruki was relieved Uruha did not protest.
‘Minna san! Coffee..’ Kai came back with a b lade with coffee cups.
They all took one and Kai also sat down. The rest of the time they talked. Their laughing was fake and the conversation was going very slow. Then Kai said he was gonna get some pizza’s for them all and he and Ruki left. Reita said we was gonna buy some saké for this evening and Uruha and Aoi ended up alone.

Uruha stood up and walked to Kai’s bed. He pretended to read a magazine but his hands were shaking so badly, he couldn’t read a single word. He heard footstep behind him and Aoi took the magazine out of his hands. Uruha stared to his feet. Aoi sat down next to him.
‘Uruha, I’m not yet frightened of you.’ His voice was warm and kind. ‘I don’t want this distance between us. Tell me what I have to do, what is bothering you?’
Uruha made fists of his hands. ‘You.’ Aoi pressed his lips together. ‘Why?’
Uruha sniffed and wiped his nose with is hand. ‘Just.. because.’ Aoi took his face and turned it to his. ‘Tell me Uruha.’ Uruha felt his face become red again. His whole body was burning.
‘I.. it’s… nothing.’ Uruha wanted to turn his face of again but Aoi held it very tightly.
‘Yes it is. Uruha, don’t lie please.’ Uruha felt tears again and sniffed hard.
‘You can’t help it. It’s just me. I’m weird.’ Aoi looked at him with unbelief.
‘Why are you weird Uruha? It doesn’t make sense.’
Uruha shook his head and Aoi let go of him.
‘I already said you can’t help it.’
‘Help what?!’
‘THAT YOU DON’T LOVE ME’, Uruha suddenly cried out.
‘You can’t help it you like girls and fall in love with them, and have sex with them. And you can’t help it I’m a guy and guys don’t like other guys. And you fucking can’t help it I’m all alone and no one fucking cares about people like me!!!!’
Aoi watched Uruha wiping away his tears. He bowed to him and said: ‘How do you know?’
Uruha sniffed hard. ‘I just know! You like girls, you all do.’ Aoi stroke Uruha’s blond hair and took his hands. ‘Yes, I like girls. But I love you.’ Uruha felt a heavy pain in his heart.
Aoi gently pressed his lips to Uruha’s. Uruha’s tears were mixed in their kiss and he didn’t want to let go. Then Aoi let go of him and he whispered: ‘But I don’t believe it. Don’t fool around with me okay! You can’t be serious about this.’ Aoi smiled. ‘I am. I always liked girls, but since some time I noticed I felt attracted to one specific guy either. But I thought he wasn’t interested in me, so I kept having relations with girls.’ Uruha sniffed and felt a strong happy feeling in his stomach. ‘I was so down Aoi. I’ve always seen you with girls, and one day I couldn’t stand it any more. I felt like no one was ever gonna like me.’
Aoi kissed his forehead and Uruha blushed. ‘Don’t think like that, Koi. You’re now with me.’ Uruha blushed even more after hearing this. ‘I’m happy, Aoi.’
Aoi smiled widely.
‘Me too’, a voice behind them said. Reita walked into the room.
Uruha and Aoi quickly stood up. ‘Never mind, lovers. I’m really happy for you guys!’
Uruha smiled nervously but Aoi took his hand. ‘Thanks Reita.’
‘So the saké isn’t really coming?’ Uruha asked. Reita shook his head. ‘I promised Aoi to leave you guys alone. But I didn’t hear all of your talking, I swear.’
Uruha nodded. ‘But I hope the pizza’s really are coming, cause I’m hungry as hell.’
They laughed and just that moment Ruki and Kai came in.
‘Did someone say, pizza?’

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